Travel Tales 2 (With apologies to the many nice Americans we know). Written some years ago.
 
Bangkok
 
I am on a boat traveling through Bangkok. Of the hundred or so people on board the principal characters are two Americans in the centre seats. Both are late middle-aged, emphatic and heavily encumbered with tourist impedimenta. We are proceeding in silence when she says in a minor-key, east-coast accent:
 
 “You gart (got) the passsports Haaarry?”
 (Location of passports is a frequent middle-aged/elderly traveller concern!)
 
“I gart the camera Belinda”
 
“I gart the camera Haaarry”
 
“You gart the passsports Belinda”
 
“You gart the passsports Haaarry”
 
“I gart the camera Belinda”
 
“I gart the camera Haaarry” (this last with a note of asperity)
 
“I gart the camera Belinda, you gart the passsports” (rising asperity levels)
 
“Haaarry, I gart the camera, you gart the passsports” (asperity plus emphasis)
 
“Belinda, I gart the camera, you gart the passsports”
 
“Haaarrry I gotta tell ya: YOU got the passports I got the CAMERA”
 
“I gotta tell YOU Belinda: I gart the CAMERA; YOU gart the passports”
 
“Arm (I am) tellin YOU Haaarry… I GART THE CAMERA!”
 
“BELINDA: I got the camera”
 
“Harrry: YOU gart the passports, I gart the CAMERA
 
“YOU gart the PASSSPORTS BELINDA ****”(blasphemous expletive)
 
“HAAARRY I GART the CAMERA…and YOU gart the PASSSPORTS ****” (same blasphemous expletive)
 
“No need to swear Belinda”
 
“AH AINT SWEARIN HAAARRY”
 
They finally search to see who has what. After much un-slinging and unbuckling it emerges that she does indeed have the camera, but not the passports. He does not have the camera (obviously) but, alas, nor does he have the passports.
 
A terrific silence descends upon the boat broken ultimately by her:
 
“Where are the passsports Haarry”
 
“Belinda YOU had the passports laast!!”
 
“Harrry, Arh gave them to YOU…”
 
And so on...
 
 
JRT